Friday, February 11, 2011

The Beginning

I believe in honesty.  I believe in the importance of being honest with yourself, your family, your friends, and everyone you may come upon.  And yet, I'm dishonest.  It's a rarity for me to be completely honest with any of these people.  I guard my feelings and thoughts like someone is trying to steal them.  I suppose this is the reasoning behind starting this blog.  This will be the first time in my life that I record exactly how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and what is happening in my life without judgment... I hope.

I named this blog "Brain Static" because sometimes my boyfriend teases me about reading other people's blogs.  He usually says, "It's just other people's random brain static.  Why do you like reading it so much?"  I don't know that I have a satisfactory answer for him.  For me, however, I've always been amazed at people's ability to be so honest online, showing their faces while they show us their hearts and minds... I know that it has helped me feel better to know that I'm not the only person who feels or thinks certain things.  My hope is that perhaps if someone stumbles upon my own meager brain static they might feel some form of catharsis from it as well.  Maybe I should have named this blog "Catharsis," because I'm hoping that along the way I will also gain it from the writing process.  ("Catharsis" doesn't stick it to my boyfriend the same way though...)

If you haven't already noticed, I'm choosing to remain anonymous on this blog.  I'm afraid at this point in my life I'm not strong enough to place my face behind my brain static; it's too vulnerable.  Perhaps in the future I'll feel differently about it and have somewhat of a "coming out."  We'll see.  However, I am leaving this blog public even though I doubt I will ever seek out any followers.  I guess this is my way of slowly becoming less vulnerable just knowing that people might see it, but most will not.

This is becoming a rather lengthy introductory post, but I think it's about time I start to open up a bit.  I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 15 years old; I'm 23 now.  My depression waxes and wanes, as I believe it probably does for everyone else who experiences this debilitating disease.  In the interest of truth, I will post about depression from time to time, but I don't want this to purely be a "depression blog" -- this is only one portion of my life and I refuse to give it top billing.  Actually writing about my depression, especially in the depths of experiencing it, will be one of my biggest steps towards becoming honest with myself and others.

My father has stage 4 lung cancer.  I think this is technically the fourth time he's had some form of cancer.  He's 71 years old.  I'm sure I'll be writing more details about this at a later point as well, so at times this may be a bit of a grief blog.

I don't want this blog to be completely wrapped up in the tragedies I have, am currently, and am going to be experiencing, though.  There will be times that I will wake up in the morning (or afternoon) and want to write about whatever bizarre dream I had last night.  There will be times that I'll just have some strange philosophical question on my mind that I might write out.  Other times I might feel funny, or goofy, or crazy, or [insert emotion here] and I'll write about those thoughts and feelings.  I suppose the entire reason I'm saying any of this is just to break away from any labeling that may stifle or change the way or what I write about at any given time.

Well, here's to an interesting, semi-public journaling journey.  I have no idea where this is going to take me, as an individual or in my writing ablity/inablity or what the hell is going to come out of me.  But I feel a little excited about it.

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