Today is the 24th anniversary of my birth.
I awoke at 7am to a cranky boyfriend who didn't get enough sleep. He was making coffee to get himself through his internship today when my phone made unusual noises.
"Did you hear that? What was that?" He looked very confused.
"Facebook app. Probably a bunch of high school people I haven't talked to in years posting 'Happy Birthday' because facebook told them it was my birthday. Nobody remembers birthdays on their own anymore," I said cynically.
I started to think about what the hell I would even say to any of those people in response to a birthday well-wishing. I know what I would want to say...
Commenter: Happy Birthday! Hope it's the best one ever! How have you been?! MISS U!
Me: Thanks! Well, I don't have a job, my dad is dying of lung cancer, and I had to quit school because of it~! Oh, and I have crippling depression! But other than that, I've been peachy...
This year just sucks. There, I said it. This is the worst year in the history of (my) years, and I'm no stranger to bad years.
It's been really bizarre so far, because it seems like it's a shitty year for everyone I know. Boyfriend and I have been dumbfounded for the past... well I guess it's been over a year now, but almost all of our coupled friends (including married ones) have been breaking up! Especially in the last 6-8 months. I can think of at least 7 couples off the top of my head - that's 14 people! Plus I know two other people who have close relatives experiencing cancer, one of which died last week; another friend is having major chronic back and pain problems; another friend's brother died suddenly; I attended a memorial for a friend's godmother... Not to mention all of the earthquakes/tsunamis recently.
Dude, seriously... 2012! (Actually I'm not serious at all. But it does make one wonder...)
Birthdays. This year I think I've been the least excited that I have ever been about my birthday. I keep telling people, "I'm just not into it," and I wasn't able to figure out why until yesterday. I thought it was because it's just another non-special year going by... no car insurance breaks, already of legal age for everything. It's also the year that I officially consider myself in my mid-twenties instead of my early twenties, which makes me feel like shit because I haven't accomplished anything and I feel just as lost and confused about "what to do for the rest of my life" as I did when I was 18. I really thought I had made some progress but I've realized this year that I have no fucking clue anymore. My life has been completely turned on it's head. But, these are topics for other posts.
The reason I'm not into my birthday this year is that a sudden jolt of truth flashed through my brain yesterday: This is most likely my last birthday with my dad here. He won't see me turn 25.
Having a big family party today (I haven't planned a friend party at all, I just don't care this year.) The "party" is really much more for them than it is for me; it's one of the last opportunities for all of us to get together while my dad is still healthy enough to go downstairs. It's an excuse for all of his other kids and his grandkids to come over. I was reluctant to even do this except for the fact that I know it's important to everyone else. I don't want to be the center of attention today, and I don't want presents.
I don't know, this all sounded better when I was composing it in my head last night/this morning. Insomnia is good for writing. Or maybe it's not, since I'm not totally happy with the results. I know it's been a couple months since I last wrote anything, but there's been so much going on that I had no idea where to start, and I just didn't have the drive to write. It's not like anyone reads this thing anyway. I suppose it's a good thing that I woke up today itching to write; maybe it will kick-start me to journal regularly (which is the whole reason I created this farce of a blog).
Whatever. Here's to being 24. I'm going to go get drunk tonight.